Looking back: Putting a stop to the craving

Written by Zhey Chua |Posted on March 6, 2008 | Comments

(Note: Due to technical problems recently encountered, the original content of this post could no longer be retrieved and I would like to apologize for not backing up my files – another lesson learned, haaaay…)

You all probably thought it was Warren who made me stop smoking.
Well, wrong.
The thing is, when Warren and I first met, I smoked like a train. Stick, after stick, after stick, after stick. He sat there wide-eyed but powerless to stop me, I stood in front of him inhaling the cigarette with that stupid smirk on my face that seemed to say, “go right ahead young man, try and stop me, and yeah, wipe this smirk off me’ face and we’ll see…”
Well, he did not.

Until our relationship started to deepen, Warren tried his best not to voice out his concerns yet when he finally did, I felt the air got knocked out of my lungs. His words were simple, yet powerful enough to send me spinning, figuratively that is.
“When you love someone, you want to spend as much time with them as possible, but smoking doesn’t help us achieve that…”
When Warren spoke those words, I knew immediately I had to at least exert effort to contribute to the relationship.
It wasn’t an easy thing to do, quitting from smoking is like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit’s nose. There were days I’d feel like giving up, there were moments I would hold on to two one peso coins like talismans, like they are my lifelines, I’d stick my hands into my pocket and feel them and imagine thick white smoke passing through my throat to my innards, to my lungs — in and out, and think, ahhhh, just one stick, just for today… I admit, there were times I succeeded as far as reaching the store and buying the stick, but I never went past inhaling the stick more than three times for always, always on the third time, I’d feel guilt and shame for cheating not just Warren, but even myself.
I wondered for a long time how long I could last not smoking more than three inhales and exhales without my patience getting thin. I was almost sure I’d reach that “boiling point” wherein I’d just feel patience wear out on me and I’d go back to smoking like a train again.
It was by some stroke of fate, perhaps, or grace from God, that I woke up one day and realized that I was not just destroying my physical being by smoking, nor endangering the relationship I have with Warren, I was also putting on the line the body that God lent me. That was when I started to think longer and harder and really, really consider. That was also when I finally learned to pray for strength to ward off the cravings. Each time I’d feel it coming, I’d open the Bible and read or close my eyes and focus in prayer. This went on for days until the craving started to lessen.
Its been more than three months since, there are still days I’d pass by this small store on my way to the market and feel temptation waving at me, I admit, there were moments I’d stop and think, “mag-yosi kaya ako?”, but I’d only smile at that thought and walk past the store with triumphant glee.
I know, Warren may have been the catalyst, but he is not the major force behind my quitting from smoking. It was that desire to be clean and free of filth for the glory of God. It was grace. It is grace.