Wiwannastarhavinahbeybeeh!
After the wedding, the honeymoon, the weekend dates and being constantly a twosome, Warren and I finally reached that point where we are already thinking about getting pregnant. Uh-huh, you read it right. PREGNANT.
Wiwannastarhavinahbeybeeh!
Warren is not oblivious to the fact that I might not be able to give him a child. You see, I was with a man for eight years and not once did I get pregnant, so before our wedding I told Warren about the possibility of my being infertile. He would always display a very positive attitude towards this and there were times I would wish for myself to feel the same way.
When we were just starting to discuss getting married and settling down, this fact held me back a lot of times and I would always put up a fight for him to think it over. He would smile that gentle smile that I have always loved and tell me that it’s okay. I would resist and put up that “look-at-me-I’m-dead-serious-so-you-better-listen” look on my face and nag him to take a moment, find a quiet time and spot and think hard, ask himself if he can live with the fact that he may never become a father, ever (I know how much an offspring meant to Chinese men). He would pretend to indulge me, but I know Warren never did as I have requested. Such is his love for me that I sometimes wonder if I deserve it.
Many times, on such occasions I would express this gnawing fear in me, he would only pat my head, like a parent would do to a child, and tell me that I should trust God’s judgment more. Of course, it took me a while to have that faith, I have always believed that, as the famous beauty queen Sushmita Sen once said, the essence of being a woman is in being able to give new life – or in layman’s terms, by being able to give birth to babies.
You see, I have no other desire than to bear a child, I have always loved children and truly, truly would give anything just to have even one, even just one mini-Hazel or one mini-Warren, anything.
Each month whenever I would wish for my monthly cycle NOT to come, it would, I’d see red patches of blood on my undergarments and my heart would die a million pieces. I would silently weep in the bathroom and call myself a failure. For a few minutes I would hold on to the bathroom sink and ask “why?” and even ask “how many times would You do this to me? Will I be suffering from this shame, month after month, for as long as I live?”
A few weeks ago, Warren told me something which made my heart leap. He told me about a fellow-Christian couple who had to wait six long years to get pregnant.
“Why six years?” I asked
“Because it was what God wanted for them,” Warren simply said.
“I don’t understand… Six years? Why so long?” I argued
“Well, they did not undergo any medication, all the while they thought they were barren, they never thought about having it medically investigated, until she just got pregnant…” Warren simply declared.
I fell silent at that… Six years… I will be thirty seven six years from now… I wondered if I could wait that long. Haaays…
And then I came across Genesis 21:2 and it said:
“Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him.”
And Hebrews 11:11 said:
“By faith Abraham, even though he was past age—and Sarah herself was barren—was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise.”
Perhaps, in this day and age, it would be easy to say that these things no longer happen. Well, probably, who knows? I cannot even say otherwise.
Only one thing is certain though. The Christian couple who waited six years and the story of Abraham and Sarah conveys the same message to me: That I have to learn to trust in my God more, that I have to leave it all up to Him, for He knows best and He will give it to me, if He feels like it, in His own time.
Faith…
I should have faith.
I must have faith.
FAITH.
Note: Unlike our fellow church members, Warren and I will be giving the OB Gynecologist a friendly visit soon to see what we can come up with in the next few months… Of course, this blog will keep you posted. 
Again and as always, we need your prayers.
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Tags: baby, Family, love, marriage
This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 26th, 2008 at 12:53 pm and is filed under Faith, Love&Marriage, Testimonies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
March 26th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Wiwannastarhavinahbeybeeh! : PinoyBlogoSphere.com (PBS) says:[...] (Read the rest here…) [...]