First of a series: A doubtful heart

Written by Zhey Chua |Posted on April 13, 2008 | Comments

I have been highly emotional the past few days. Warren and I seem to disagree on a lot of things and I can see us both being taken into this wild rollercoaster ride where both of us are being stubborn and self-centered.

Tonight, we both sat down to assess our situation with the hope of finding a way to stop the bickering. Everything was going smooth when I suddenly pounced him with this question: “So, do you think if we are not Christians, we wouldn’t even be together today?” Flatly, my husband said “No.” I followed it up with another question that went like, “Okay, so you think if we are not Christians, we wouldn’t love each other enough to want to be together?” Again, he said “No.” And, yeah, you guessed it right, that did it for me.

I felt my world cave in. I mentally heard thunder and lightning, I mentally saw plates, saucers, forks, spoons and pots and pans flying all over the house, I heard the slamming of a door and saw him walking out of the house, I saw a marriage nosedive somewhere in the middle of the South Pole. I could hear Warren saying something about loving me in Christ and being rooted and built in Him (Colossians 2:6-10), well in my mind, that is not what I wanted to hear – I wanted him to tell me he loves me even if we are not Christians – and I kept insisting what if as humans who are bound to fall short, we would come to a point when we would be “cold”, then what will happen? I just remember going round and round on that question until he asked me if I wanted him to open the Bible and show me, I didn’t even look at him, I just flatly said “No.”, I told him I already knew what is written and I have read that many times already, I know what the message is about. And then I retreated into my own shell.

It was a mental push and pull for me, but for Warren, it was going back to the Scriptures and seeing that I was beginning to doubt God. I tried to dance my way around his reason because in my mind I was refusing to accept that I was even beginning to doubt God, I was just being a “normal girl wanting to feel a kilig moment with her husband.” All the time I knew Warren was right, but I could not understand how it happened that I just stepped my foot down and would not balk. The thing is, I was fully aware that I was irrationally acting out and in the process was committing a sin against God, yet, I went on.

You know, for a brief moment, it reminded me of my pre-Christian days – my rebel streak, the horns slowly popping out of my head, the tail slowly wiggling out of my rear and the fangs slowly coming out from under my gums… I had a brief mental flashback of the lost Hazel, I mentally flinched at the sight (Ugh! Really ugly, I must say now) and though I didn’t like what I was seeing, I did not back down. It was at that instant that I knew I was falling apart, and for the life of me, I could not believe that I was consciously aware of myself sinning and not having a repentant heart at all. In fact, I was so stubborn that I could not even admit to myself that I was transgressing although a part of me knew I was! It took me awhile to finally come to terms with it and cry it out. I remember Warren reassuring me and taking full responsibility for my transgression, as the leader of our family and as the husband. I remember myself repeatedly saying how terribly sorry I am for even beginning to doubt my God.

Now, why am I sharing this to you? I do not mean to wash my laundry for all and sundry to see, I just believe that this experience has taught us one very valuable and priceless lesson that is worth sharing to everyone: That without Christ in the center of our marriage, we would really eventually become a statistic. It took me a while, too, to accept that when Warren flatly said “No,” to my mushy questions, he was telling me the absolute truth, and though I was expecting something more cheesy like, “Oh honey of course I would still love you but not as pure as I do as a Christian…”, the fact will still remain that that cheesy sentence just isn’t the truth. Yes, God is as much entwined in this union and to leave Him out would undoubtedly cause this marriage to fall apart. You see, Warren and I have been failing with our devotions lately.

Before we said our goodnights, Warren said something that struck me; he said that we should always have a hopeful heart instead of a doubtful heart… Those words struck home… I feel so ashamed of myself for doubting God even just for that one brief moment…