Second of a series: A doubtful heart

Written by Zhey Chua |Posted on April 13, 2008 | Comments

It took me a while to realize that what is “small and petty” in my eye is “big and bold” in the eye of the Lord. When I thought I was simply being a brat, stomping my feet and insisting on “logic and reason”, I was actually committing the one sin that God hated the most – idolatry.

Last night, while Warren and I realized upon assessment that we are just like any other couple who fight, he mentioned the importance of keeping Christ in the center of our marriage as our only hope, he explained to me that this is precisely the reason why we need to continue growing spiritually as Christians. Instead of me submitting to my husband at that moment and agreeing with what he said, I turned away and made my own “little scene”, which of course you have already read on my previous post.

I guess my tirade was my own denial of the truth that stared me in the face at that moment. I refused to believe that it is, indeed, the real condition of our marriage and I rebelled and was indignant at the thought that without Christ, we cannot function as husband and wife.

Now, a full twenty hours after that uncalled for incident, I realize what a fool I’d been. Truly, what a shame it is for me to realize that I did not only doubt God, I also thought I know better. Isn’t that the highest form of arrogance?! And yes, because I was in that wretched condition, I committed idolatry in the process! * What could be worst than that? Of course, without Christ we definitely will never make it! Who was I to even consider at that very moment that my marriage will function as it should without Christ?

It took a while, but when the gravity of my rebellion and the implications of my arrogance sank in, I just sat there in the middle of our matrimonial bed pouring my heart out. I felt so ashamed of myself that I could not even touch my own husband, much less look him in the eye. I sat there, my fingers running invisible circles on the sheets, tears pouring from my eyes and my head bent down so low I felt I might as well be snapping my head out of my neck.

————–