Defeated
Sigh…
This, my dearest friends, is what happens when we step into the battle-ground alone. We are not simply battered and bruised, we are also terribly defeated.
I confess, the past days I have been struggling for self-preservation (which I actually was not aware that it was until pointed out to me by Pastor Larry), I have been wallowing in self-pity in this little corner of my selfish world, sinning as I go along- cursing and killing people in my mind and in my heart, seeking and feeling thirsty for vengeance. I was unmindful of the fact that I was slowly losing touch of the one most important thing in my life- my God.
Reading and re-reading the previous paragraph, I am compelled now to ask myself, “Is He really that important to me? If He is, why did I lose touch? Why did I forget to bring Him with me to the battle-ground so he will fight my battles instead of me?” Oh, yes, perhaps, He really isn’t that important to me after all… What a wretched soul I have! Unworthy of His keeping! Oh, God, my God, my Father in Heaven… Forgive this wretched soul of mine… Forgive me…
—-
During these turbulent moments of my life, I forgot what the Scriptures said.
Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual s
ongs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. – Ephesians 5:19-20
In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold- Ephesians 4:26-27
I gave the devil a foothold, I sinned in my anger, I cursed ins tead of singing hymns and spiritual songs and I murdered instead of making music in my heart to the Lord. Isn’t it written that the wage of sin is death? I deserve to die.
I realized, I was struggling to remove the Hands that so lovingly embrace me when they are the only Hands that I need more than anything else. How could I? How could I…
And yet, He remains faithful to me, still here, still holding me in His loving arms, still comforting me in my pain, still a rock that is solid and sound for me to take refuge… Oh, God!
—-
When my Christianity was attacked, I acted with hurt and selfish pride. I suddenly found myself lost in a maze, though I know I tried to defend the Truth, I did not let the Lord speak. The words that came out of my mouth were the words of someone who study the word but do not live it. I was brazen, forward, strong and proud.
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires
- Ephesians 4:22
Ah, the folly of putting myself first before the Lord. Of resurrecting the old me, that has long been dead! Of licking my wounded pride and thinking of nothing else except me, myself and I.
And then after the encounter, I started entertaining the doubts seeded by the conversation that transpired. I cried bowls of tears with worry, asking what if they are right? What if I am just faking it? What a distrusting heart I have! Did not Satan plant seeds of doubt in Eve’s mind by asking her “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”
—-
What a journey it has been, so the song says… I am not even halfway yet, I know. In fact, I have just begun. May God give me the grace to stand firm in defending the Gospel FIRST AND FOREMOST and may God receive this fallen daughter back into His fold. Amen.
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This entry was posted on Thursday, May 1st, 2008 at 4:34 pm and is filed under Confessions, Faith, Testimonies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Defeated : PinoyBlogoSphere.com (PBS) says:[...] I confess, the past days I have been struggling for self-preservation (which I actually was not aware that it was until pointed out to me by Pastor Larry), I have been wallowing in self-pity in this little corner of my selfish world, sinning as I go along- cursing and killing people in my mind and in my heart, seeking and feeling thirsty for vengeance. (Continue reading here…)<a [...]