Losing and Gaining

Written by Zhey Chua |Posted on May 4, 2008 | Comments

Lately, I am starting to notice a few drastic changes in my life. I seem to be losing and gaining at the same time and the process can be physically and emotionally draining at times.

I was chatting with Sis. Vangie the other day and I said something to her that made me see where the physical toil and emotional “madness” is coming from.

Incidentally, it was also the same day that I had to finally confront a homosexual former classmate and let her know my stand. Well, this friend had been bugging me for quite sometime now about her “crush”, also a former high school friend and a female. My homosexual classmate’s been asking me to find the girl’s phone number and to “bridge” for her.

The first time she asked me about a month ago, I turned her down gently, just laughing it off, sending her a series of ROFL (rolling on floor with laughter) emoticons ended with a short “guffaw”, then I immediately signed out, well, changed stealth settings on her I mean. I know, it was rude, but just how do you tell someone that it isn’t okay anymore for you to do that kind of favor for her?

About a week or so after that, she instant messaged me again and after the customary greetings, she immediately dove into the “favor” she’s been asking from me, her message was tail-ended with “sabihin ko na agad kasi baka-madisconnect ka na naman” (I’ll say it now before you get disconnected again). I was trapped. I sat there momentarily staring at my computer screen thinking, “what would I say? How do I say it?” and then the words just came out, “I am sorry I cannot do it for you.”

“Why?” she asked, her three letter word punctuated and ended with a sad faced emoticon.

“Because that is against the will of God,” I simply replied. I wish there was a passage in the Scripture that I could point out to her but at that time, I was still clueless on where to find. I am no scholar, no theologian to immediately know where to look, on what book and verse, I am a novice, in fact, I am just starting to learn myself! I felt so helpless but in my heart of heart, I knew then that I was doing the right thing.

As expected, she laughed at me, mocked at my “newfound faith” as she called it and dismissed me like I was just some kid who was talking of nonsensical things. From time to time, she’d bug me in the middle of my work day, until I finally had it, I started to evangelize to her. Guess what happened next? Uh-huh, she signed out on me. And never signed on again.

Another friend of mine, this time a bisexual (yeah, ask me now how in the world I got hooked up with these people, but I did), challenged me to find her a decent man and she swore she would straighten out, I was like, “are you kidding me?!” , I mean, that is not the answer to change! I have gone through several phases in my life myself and I can say that change is not something you pick up from the street corner or a friend hooks up for you. Change happens when you welcome Him into your life, when you open yourself up to the Truth and submit yourself to Him. Change happens then and only then.

It’s been a full six months since I had my last cold turkey. A good five months since I had my last liquor drink. Also a good five months since I had last seen my friends and went out with them. Yes, I no longer get invited to Saturday night gimmicks. They have all since decided I’d be sore company anyways, I’d just sit there, laugh at their clean jokes, reprimand them on the green ones, ask them politely not to smoke because I don’t smoke and reason out that second-hand smoking is more cancerous than first-hand, I’d drink iced-tea while they all drank beers and brandy, by midnight, I’d start getting impatient and then I’d be begging someone to take me home. I’m a kill joy. So now, I’m an outcast. And I have to live with that. Perhaps until we all become old and gray.

Drastic changes, huh? Sometimes, they can be heartbreaking, yup, you bet they broke my heart into a million pieces. I’d be hypocrite if I’d say I don’t miss them, they’re like my friends for almost half of my life! We all practically grew up together. Thinking about it now, I probably spent more time with them that I ever did with my parents and siblings. Yet, this is reality.

Reality isn’t sitting at Tugs having a merry round of sashimi and San Miguel Beer Light amidst the laughter. Reality isn’t spending an afternoon with your feet propped up on a wicker chair at Beatico’s while having coffee with friends, waiting for sundown so you can transfer to Diamond’s Traverse and drink yourself drunk until three in the morning. Reality is God. Reality is fighting the flesh, hating the things of this world in quest for a heavenly reward -eternal life.

Thankfully, there were also changes that brought me a sense of exhilaration that I know only such change can make me feel. Being found. I may be experiencing heartaches and I may be going through a few dramas of my own but I have every reason to celebrate more and more each passing day.

Like I told Sis. Vangie that day we had our private time to chat, if it is for the glory of God that I lose my friends, so be it. I may have lost friends, but you know… I gained a FAMILY.