Indescribable Joy

Written by Zhey Chua |Posted on July 23, 2008 | Comments

I have always longed to be able to write completely, in detail, the gladness that fills my heart everyday since my Christianity, but each time I’d attempt, I’d fail for the lack of proper vocabulary to use. Today, let me try just once more, although I know there still won’t be a steady supply of right terminologies, I’d just as well do it now than never have the chance to let those who may chance upon this know how life changed for a wretched soul like me.

I have never known the feeling of true joy, or true happiness. To me, it was all just a state of mind. If you condition your mind to feeling it, then you will. Mind over matter. Psychology. I was such a fool for assuming that it was just that simple.

My conversion to Christianity was just as uneventful as my graduation from grade school. I professed my faith then went home. It did not come along with party hats and balloons, so it is not a surprise that it also did not come along with promises of what is to come in the near future. All I know was that I was converted at a time in my life when I was going through major and rapid transitions, thus, the conversion was regarded as “just one of the processes” and, it, too, shall pass. I bet my parents thought the same. Boy, was I so wrong.

The process did not end, nor did it pass. It slowly became a part of who I am and of what I believe in and of what I stand for. I transited completely and wholly and then, true joy and true happiness is no longer simply Psychology to me. It is that knowledge that I was made possible by God, that I was found and saved from eternal damnation, at a time when I already stood right at its doors.

I realize now how totally different my mind worked pre-transition. I never really knew the gravity of my condition, or, perhaps I did, but I never really cared. You know that part of you that tells you about how lost you are and immediately there’s also that part of you that justifies your being lost, telling you that it’s perfectly alright and there really isn’t anything you need to change, that you can ask for forgiveness later. Yeah, I used to take comfort in thinking that I can always ask for God’s forgiveness later, but for now, let me just enjoy my life, after all, I deserve this. I was so selfish, so self-centered that everything was just about me, myself and I. I really was convinced then that life is supposed to be good! That everybody deserves to be happy. That each sacrifice I make makes me a good person, each good deed makes me acceptable to God.

Hah! The things we like to believe in to make us feel more comfortable in our fallen-ness. We come up with all these silly ideas to justify our sinfulness and to make excuses for our wrong. We exercise so much pride, always telling ourselves that we are logical, rational, intelligent and wise. We condition our minds and our hearts to the idea that we deserve all the good things in life when in fact, we only deserve to die and be cast forever to hell. I know, I have challenged His infinite wisdom many times, I have sinned tremendously and knowing what I know now, my offenses against the Lord merit nothing else but damnation (Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death…).

And yet, here I am, basking in the warmth of His love, recipient of His infinite and merciful grace, embraced and welcomed into His family of saints…And because of this wonderfully undeserved gift, no words can fully express the joy that fills my heart every single day.

Yes, this is indescribable joy, transcending human understanding; the human brain could never fathom the mystery of such, for it is happiness amidst the hardships, fullness amidst emptiness, wonder amidst grief, rejoicing amidst mourning, victory amidst defeat, peace in the middle of a battle zone… Being dead yet being alive…

There is always that sense of peace in the heart, no matter what is going on around. A genuine sense of peace that nothing and no one can shake off, it is ever present even at the most turbulent moments keeping one grounded and firmly secure.

There is always that sense of contentment, even in strife. That knowledge and faith in God’s provision, knowing too well that He knows best and He will never forsake, that whatever comes along is more than what I truly deserve.

There is always that wonderful feeling of happiness. There are rooms for heartbreaks, yes, but I always find a reason to be happy even in my moments of sadness…

This is the enigma of true Christian living, it does sound crazy, I know, but that is exactly what is so amazing in all this! Many times, I’d marvel at how God transformed my life and made me the way I am now and there are no words left to express my gratitude. In God’s graciousness, I simply could no longer find a reason to ask for anything more. I can only keep on worshipping Him in thanksgiving.

The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple. The statutes of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart: the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes. The fear of the LORD is clean, enduring for ever: the judgments of the LORD are true and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold: sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb. Moreover by them is thy servant warned: and in keeping of them there is great reward. -Psalm 19:7-11 –