Embracing His Will
How does one embrace the possibility of becoming childless for good?
Warren and I decided to stop from undergoing fertility treatments. For now it seems that he plans to stop temporarily but he could also be considering stopping it altogether, for good. I can only stand by the sidelines and let my husband lead me into the future. I am too exhausted emotionally and even physically to still think and make future plans of action. Anyway, we both agreed that this may not be the time to pursue medical intervention.
We agreed that our faith teaches us to rely on God and trust in His mercy and grace, that no matter how much we could spend and if ever we decided to spend for treatments, we will not conceive if God would not allow it. In the same manner, we will conceive even if we do not undergo fertility work ups if God wants to give us a child. Either way, there really isn’t anything man, medicine, science and technology can do unless God wills it.
Well, with that being said, I stared at the bright blue skies across our bedroom window and tried my hardest to contemplate and accept all of that with a gracious heart. Really, I tried. But you and I both know that it’s one thing to say it and another to mean it. It felt surreal. I felt like my heart was slowly, painfully and mercilessly being twisted, crushed, grinded and pulvurized until it became tiny dust-like fragments. I just saw all of the dreams I built around the thought of parenthood get one good demolition sweep, and I could no longer rebuild. Ever.
Not being able to contain it any longer, I cried. I wanted to get it all out in one sitting so I cried my very best (like there was a best way to do it?) until my head felt like it was about to crack in two, my chest ached physically, my eyes stung and my nose dripped (ugh). And then, I just heard sobs from the man whose arms were tightly wrapped around me. Painful, jerking, uncontrollable sobs. I looked at my husband and my heart just went out to him, he looked like a man who had just lost his manhood. It had to be the most heartbreaking moment in the history of our marriage, yet. We cuddled each other as we both tried to come to grips with the reality of it and we just poured out our hearts to each other. We lay there on the bed clinging to each other, crying and just drawing strength from each other. And from our faith in God.
Both of us are currently taking each day one step at a time. In our own private ways I know we are both dealing with the pain the best way we could and we are both hopeful that it will eventually subside, like the tears. We hold dear to our hearts God’s promise that He will not forsake us nor leave us and we look forward to the day when we can both finally face the reality of possibly growing old childless with gracious and joyful hearts.
We are far from the road to recovery from the shock the past month has inflicted upon us psychologically and emotionally but we faithfully believe that though there will be scars to mark the war we waged, God will heal our wounds from this battle. In His time.
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Tags: Biblical Womanhood, Christian parenting, Family, fertility, God, infertility, love and marriage, motherhood, parenthood, pregnancy, zhey chua
This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 24th, 2008 at 2:32 pm and is filed under Biblical Womanhood, Faith, Health and Wellness, Love&Marriage, News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
September 24th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Hazel and Warren you are in my prayers. I have grown to love you as a couple even though I have never met you. I wish we could meet one day, maybe it will have to be in glory. I sometimes do not understand, I am the worst of sinners and I did not even deserve to be saved. I have 3 children, one I have not met who is due today actually. So this post makes me want to cry as I think why has the Lord given me children, why me. I feel and I know I do not deserve them. Sometimes I look at them when they are in bed and cry, and I think of people like you, I think of all those babies that are killed in abortions. But let me encourage you, only God knows why now is not the best time, trust him and count it all joy. God is doing a far greater work in both of you than you can ever imagine, and the sufferings of this world are nothing compared to the glory that is going to be revealed in us at the coming of our Lord Jesus. You are loved Hazel and Warren, so never be discouraged.
Jeans last blog post..Ray Comfort’s Blog
September 24th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Embracing His Will : PinoyBlogoSphere.com (PBS) says:[...] How does one embrace the possibility of becoming childless for good? Warren and I decided to stop from undergoing fertility treatments. For now it seems that he plans to stop temporarily but he could also be considering stopping it altogether, for good. I can only stand by the sidelines and let my husband lead me into the future. I am too exhausted emotionally and even physically to still think and make future plans of action. Anyway, we both agreed that this may not be the time to pursue medical intervention. We agreed that our faith teaches us to rely on God and trust in His mercy and grace, that no matter how much we could spend and if ever we decided to spend for treatments, we will not conceive if God would not allow it. In the same manner, we will conceive even if we do not undergo fertility work ups if God wants to give us a child. Either way, there really isn’t anything man, medicine, science and technology can do unless God wills it. Continue Reading Here [...]
October 3rd, 2008 at 11:50 pm
Hi Hazel! This post reminded me during the time in our lives when we were undergoing work up ourselves. Having been a couple of years married then, we just had to get ourselves checked. As sickly as I have always been from childhood, it was a surprise that the problem was not with me. I ovulate almost every month, and with the hubby’s SA, it has not made us very hopeful.
You know what, it was when we stopped trying to conceive and going to the doctor altogether for the work ups that the Lord granted us our son. It was a complete surprise. There was no way we could have expected it. It was like a miracle of miracles. We were like contemplating that maybe one day we would have to adopt a child of sorts. God is good.
I am not sure if the honey regimen helped but we did that a few months before I conceived. http://www.marriageandbeyond.com/2007/07/29/the-healing-properties-of-honey-and-cinnamon/
And the day I conceived was a night stay in Status Hotel. The manager is one of our ninongs from our wedding. It was a gift from him. This hotel boasts of christian staff and they only allow wedded couples in. We had to show our marriage certificate when we got in. Their staff would go from room to room and pray for each couple by the door.(our ninong said, because they did not really come knocking to tell us they’re praying for us). They even hold bible study groups for the hotel staff. I am not sure if it was at all coincidental, but with a cycle that’s ever regular and knowing that that was the only possible time that I conceived and we were in that place, we knew it was more than just coincidence.
If there is anything we are sure about it is this, the Lord knows perfectly the right time to give us our heart’s desire. Please know that I will be keeping you in my prayers. God bless you and Warren!
November 28th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
You’ve given men a superb example of overwhelming Faith in our Lord! Surely , it gives peace, love, joy in your hearts doing God’s holy will and purpose. I wish my relatives who are also childless would be able to read your holy testimony . God loves you!