Embracing His Will

Written by Zhey Chua |Posted on September 24, 2008 | Comments

How does one embrace the possibility of becoming childless for good?

Warren and I decided to stop from undergoing fertility treatments. For now it seems that he plans to stop temporarily but he could also be considering stopping it altogether, for good. I can only stand by the sidelines and let my husband lead me into the future. I am too exhausted emotionally and even physically to still think and make future plans of action. Anyway, we both agreed that this may not be the time to pursue medical intervention.

We agreed that our faith teaches us to rely on God and trust in His mercy and grace, that no matter how much we could spend and if ever we decided to spend for treatments, we will not conceive if God would not allow it. In the same manner, we will conceive even if we do not undergo fertility work ups if God wants to give us a child. Either way, there really isn’t anything man, medicine, science and technology can do unless God wills it.

Well, with that being said, I stared at the bright blue skies across our bedroom window and tried my hardest to contemplate and accept all of that with a gracious heart. Really, I tried. But you and I both know that it’s one thing to say it and another to mean it. It felt surreal. I felt like my heart was slowly, painfully and mercilessly being twisted, crushed, grinded and pulvurized until it became tiny dust-like fragments. I just saw all of the dreams I built around the thought of parenthood get one good demolition sweep, and I could no longer rebuild. Ever.

Not being able to contain it any longer, I cried. I wanted to get it all out in one sitting so I cried my very best (like there was a best way to do it?) until my head felt like it was about to crack in two, my chest ached physically, my eyes stung and my nose dripped (ugh). And then, I just heard sobs from the man whose arms were tightly wrapped around me. Painful, jerking, uncontrollable sobs. I looked at my husband and my heart just went out to him, he looked like a man who had just lost his manhood. It had to be the most heartbreaking moment in the history of our marriage, yet. We cuddled each other as we both tried to come to grips with the reality of it and we just poured out our hearts to each other. We lay there on the bed clinging to each other, crying and just drawing strength from each other. And from our faith in God.

Both of us are currently taking each day one step at a time. In our own private ways I know we are both dealing with the pain the best way we could and we are both hopeful that it will eventually subside, like the tears. We hold dear to our hearts God’s promise that He will not forsake us nor leave us and we look forward to the day when we can both finally face the reality of possibly growing old childless with gracious and joyful hearts.

We are far from the road to recovery from the shock the past month has inflicted upon us psychologically and emotionally but we faithfully believe that though there will be scars to mark the war we waged, God will heal our wounds from this battle. In His time.