In my anger, I have sinned

Written by Zhey Chua |Posted on November 14, 2008 | Comments

I have transparently blogged every step of the way knowing it is equally important for the readers of this blog (if any) to see through our hearts, if I was confused, you would read and know for sure, if I was happy you will also feel the glow jumping out from the webpage, if I was bored, you would be able to easily tell, and so on. So it is really unfair for me to just give you a very passive, very boring, very matter-of-fact post earlier this afternoon. I mean, that was so… Unfeeling.

So now, I am going to give you a more detailed account of what we went through today.

Baby Sister left early this morning to fetch the young girl. Somehow, we already had an inkling that the old lady she was with has a bigger role in the whole affair but we could not be too sure so Baby Sister and I talked about how we would get the old lady out of the picture if need be. I just want a clear, transparent, honest and straight deal so I told my sister to let them know that I expect that from them. My sister got to the meeting place at half past ten in the morning, she spent the rest of the morning waiting but while waiting she also spent some time with her mother-in-law who lives nearby. At around noon, she sent me an SMS telling me that she hasn’t talked to the young girl yet, she said she will meet up with her after lunch. I said okay. Her message also confirmed that they want more from us, then she advised me not to worry because she will make sure that I will not be played. I spent the next two hours websurfing and when I failed miserably at keeping the stress level low, I tried to continue reading Hard To Believe, but then even that failed, so I sat up on the bed looking at the clouds through the windows. By two o’clock, I was already growing frantic for still not receiving any word from my sister. I sent her an SMS at around 2:30 asking her what is going on.

It was already three o’clock when I received a response from her, she said that the young pregnant girl finally arrived and that she is now talking to them. Obviously, the old lady was still around. We agreed to meet with them before lunch and they show up at this very late hour? I told my sister that this plainly tells me they are not interested so I just advised her to use her judgment but as for me, she can leave them already, it’s okay. Yes, I was beginning to feel turned off, but then again, I have always been a very impatient person anyways, so I tried to hold it much longer when sister responded with, “let me handle this”.

After a few minutes, her next message arrived and it said, “20 thousand as soon as she gives birth and before she moves in with you, you have to pay her debts from this old lady. Those are their conditions. These people are crazy, I am going to puke right here right now!”

My immediate reaction? I felt my whole body go numb, my feet and hands grew ice cold, the rest of my body felt feverish, I was shaking I could not respond via SMS that I just had to give up and make a call instead. I could.not.believe.it. My mind just went, like, pffffftttttt… Like a pin-pricked balloon, my brain suddenly felt empty. If there was an emoticon available here, I’ll show you, that yellow faced thing shaking in utter disbelief? That pretty much sums up how I must have looked like, except that my face wasn’t yellow, it was blazing red! Like, hot, hot red! I was so angry I was ballistic, the anger was so consuming that it racked me all over. I was so scandalized and I could not fathom how this young woman and her cohort could even think that I can be taken for a major, major sick and desperate fool? But what angers me more is this: the realization of the kind of woman that girl was who sat infront of me yesterday, what breed is she of that she could bear the thought of putting up her own flesh and blood for sale? Why did I not see through that thick, conscience-less skin?!?

Now, here’s the part where I learned a much bigger lesson out of this crazy, bizarre mess. You see, I will be lying through my teeth if I’d tell you that I did not curse her. Well, guess what? I did not just curse her, I murdered her! Yes, I was so angry that I have sinned. In a span of three minutes, I have uttered a variety of murderous statements to express my indignation. In a span of five minutes, I have murdered that woman and cast her soul to hell. In a very brief span of two minutes, I wished upon her all kinds of tragedies and maladies known to man. And I am not proud of that. I forgot to be angry without sinning. And I am praying for the Lord’s forgiveness, I pray for His mercy and grace upon this wretched soul of mine. Now I realize that I am not yet fully mature in my Christian faith, I have been too comfortable the past weeks and months around my bible, resource materials and Christian friends that I became too complacent. I forgot to keep watch. I became lax, not vigilant enough, that one small wind is all it took to break me apart.

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By the way, just to let you guys know, I went right ahead and reported this matter to the Department of Social Welfare Development. I used their online contact form to let them know and volunteered to help if needed. I could be getting myself too deeply involved in this but if I don’t, I will forever be carrying this heavy load in my conscience because I saw a crime being committed and I did not do anything to stop it. In short, I am duty-bound.