Nothing Else But God

Written by Warren |Posted on December 18, 2008 | Comments

It’s been 5 months now since I had a stable work. And we are only living with my current life savings. So far I’ve closed my account in my Mutual Funds, then sold my camera lens which was a dear to me and it was my dream lens, then I’ve closed my bank account, so all we have left is my money in my wallet that is good for a week and various supports from our dear church members. It’s difficult to blog about our situation its like walking on the wire with a cow on my back. But I need to blog this and hope that this testimony would be an encouragement to other Christians out there. If God won’t use us for the ministry. If God will just have us burn down to the ground. If I, in my lifetime, cannot convince anyone to be saved. At least we have this blog to encourage a fellow believer. The burden is now too heavy for me and its really stressful also to Hazel. There are times that we’d break down and cry because of our financial status.

Just this afternoon we were given a gift certificate by a dear friend for a night stay at Holiday Inn inclusive of breakfast. We’ve prayed to God for a vacation so we thought this was an answered prayer. But if we use the certificate, we’d be forced to eat dinner there. And that means we would still need to spend certain amount that we are not able to afford. So even if we were given that free night stay, we might just let it pass and not use it (it is due December 31) because we can’t afford to cover extra bills there.

This evening we said our goodbyes to our maid who will be going to her home province. We felt that she needed to spend time with her family because she is old and needs to retire. But we could even barely pay her salary, so we only paid her half. I cried to her apologizing and being shameful of the situation that I couldn’t pay her salary and I know that she needs it even if it was a small amount. I used to spend that similar amount in just an afternoon. But now, I can’t even come up with that amount for more than a month.

Life is hard especially when I’m considering to give my life to the pastoral ministry. I believe that life will be even harder later on once we’re there. Sometimes I would just wish that Hazel isn’t here to suffer this life that I chose for our family. The pain I get in the ministry I can bear alone, but seeing my wife suffering for the choice I made is unbearable. I felt like I dragged her down to sink with me and die together in the depths of the ocean. I can still remember the first days of our marriage wherein I promised her a new car, a house with a garden and garage, a big kitchen with all those wooden cupboards, a big bathroom with shower heaters and bathtub and a walk-in closet. You might think that I was too ambitious in thinking about those. But I can say that I was expecting to get those because I was earning real big at that time. But as months went by, I lost my job and my clients so all we had to live is my savings. Those promises slowly turned into a life of ministry for the Lord. Which I suspect, sad to say, was a slight disappointment to Hazel. But I don’t blame her. I myself am guilty because I also was expecting and made her those promises.

In our life now, not only we face financial crisis, but we also face rejection from people whom we love most. From friends, loved ones, neighbors, and families. To whom that we shared the gospel of Christ, all we get are rejections making us feel that we are no use here in this area. That our existence here means nothing to no one.

Starting tomorrow our maid will be gone. And all is left is Hazel and I here in the province. Our attentions will then be divided by the ministry and house chores. My family is in Manila. And we don’t even have money to commute to Manila to visit my mom this Christmas. Hazel’s family hates us because we’re Christians and they’re not. And we don’t have no money to even prepare for Christmas or buy gifts for each other or for other loved ones. All we have is our church and our God – this is what matters to us now and nothing else. For we have nothing else. Blessed be the name of our God!