Am I Saved?

Written by Zhey Chua |Posted on February 25, 2009 | Comments

I’m actually staring at a message on the top right corner of my computer screen and it says, “It’s so nice to have you back where you belong”.

Really? Do I really belong here? For a while, I have been contemplating on things concerning this blog and yes, my Christianity. A friend and sister in Christ was instrumental in planting a seed of doubt in my heart and I cannot shake it off for some reason. Could she be right to say that my Christianity is questionable because I blog about certain people and that the things I blog about are not ‘edifying’? I know that this website, over the months, has become a powerful tool for me to let off steam at times and that I seem to find it helpful for the preservation of my sanity when I rant and rave about my in-laws but more than that, I just want to be ME. I am human. I am depraved. I am a sinner saved by grace. I am not perfect. I am still open to rebukes, corrections and teachings. I am a WORK IN PROGRESS. I am just as rotten still as the person next to me (which happens to be Warren). But does that give anyone a right to question my salvation?

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When Warren and I moved to Calulut Baptist Church, I discovered that there is still so much to learn about our One True God, I discovered that I have not even uncovered an inch of everything that is there to learn about Christ yet. Along with this discovery is also the surprise of my lifetime — that there is so much also from those that I have already learned that I need to detoxify myself from. One of these has impacted my life in a huge way and that is the need for me to re-learn how it is REALLY to have a gentle and quiet spirit. A closer examination of myself showed me how rough I was, how abrasive, how angry, how hateful and how dreadfully proud and arrogant that instead of showing people, unbelievers especially, Christ, I reflect an OCD-afflicted (obsessive-compulsive) monster of a woman. Sad, but true.

When I think about the friend who was offended by our rebuke, I remember how I was once so much like her. I did not have the humility to accept my wrong and I find passages of Scripture that I can use to defend myself from attacks. And then I lash out and accuse the other person of not doing his homework well, of not displaying genuine Christianity. I venture into digging for worms and skeletons in the other person’s life and throw them into his face so that the focus will be shifted – from me to him. I get away scot-free. I’m clean again. Or so I thought.

Well, I am not saying that I have already acquired that gentle and quiet spirit that the Bible commands us to have, no. I am still proud. Arrogant at times. Rough. Monstrous. In fact, I really don’t believe that I will ever become a woman with a gentle and quiet spirit. Yet, I praise God everyday for the life that I have now because His abundant and overflowing grace teaches me day after day that there is nothing more edifying than acknowledging our own wickedness and hopelessness before the Lord.

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Am I really saved? Good question, isn’t it? After all, the bible tells us to examine ourselves daily because Satan will never sleep on his job and because even our own hearts are deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9). I myself could not even answer that question because with a heart as deceiving as mine, how sure am I of the answer? Yes… Only God knows.

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I’m sorry for the long absence and for coming back but with such sad news… At the moment, all I can feel in my heart is pain and brokenness for the relationships that are about to die and the people that we love, yet love us not… Oh, I’m a mess, so don’t mind me. But yeah, it’s also nice to be back… Where I belong…

P.S.

Our blog’s concept is to chronicle our daily Christian walk. And a very very big part of our Christian walk is being imperfect, wicked, sinful, hopeless apart from the Lord. We blog about how it is a constant struggle for us to stick to our biblical roles as a couple because I am being realistic. Warren blogs about how difficult it is for him to sometimes control his pride, emotions, etc., because he is being true to himself. It is US – the real us – without Christ in our lives we could be worst. That is part of our human depravity. And we want the world to see that, because we want the world to see that we really have no hope in our lives except Christ. Because we want to show the world that innately, we are filthy and ungodly. We always end up our posts with lessons we learn from our painful experiences, because that is what being a Christian is. You walk, you fall, you learn and then you walk again, you fall again, you learn again… It’s a never ending cycle until the Lord comes again to collect the elect. We never intended to teach theology in our blog. We only intended for the world to have a peek at life from our little household.