Examining myself

Written by Zhey Chua |Posted on May 27, 2009 | Comments

Remember what I said about me not posting here for reasons even Warren finds “valid”? I’m ready to tell the world about it now.

We all acknowledge the fact that the Christian walk is never easy, we all are aware that it is a consistent fight between the spirit and the flesh and that there are days when the flesh would win and take over, however there are also days of victory. It is a moment by moment battle that we at best, and by God’s grace, try to conquer.

The last few months, I happened to be the one at the losing end. I just snapped one day and decided that I needed a break from reading my bible. I went to church Sunday after Sunday, attended Prayer Meetings every Wednesday, did the usual Christian things but you know, I was well aware all the while that my heart was not there. There was something amiss, something not in its proper order, something not falling on the right pattern of the tapestry that threw me off rack and I tried to justify myself by putting the blame on others.

First, I blamed, of course as expected, my husband. For a time I didn’t like hearing him preach to me because for a time, too, I felt he neglected his responsibility as a husband. When he left his job to study online preaching courses, I felt I was dropped in the middle of an ocean to swim my way to the shore alone. And then I blamed the lack of discipleship in church, I saw a million and one reasons to not like Sunday School, and a billion and more reasons to feel like going to church is torture. I looked at every face, met every smile and accepted every handshake with much greater hypocrisy, because the truth is that I didn’t like any of what I was doing at all.

In all of what was, the only person I failed to look at was I. I’ve heard it said many times and in many different ways, how we should keep our eyes trained on the Lord, how if we would focus on the people around us we will only be left embittered and disappointed, how we must be careful not to lose sight of His grace in our lives so that we will always be reminded to extend grace and mercy also to those who need it. I failed to see what I was failing to do as a saved (by grace) soul. Well, these thoughts ran in circles in my mind perpetually but my depraved mind fought hard to push them all away. I guess you can say that I ignored the promptings of the Lord.

It was a push and pull for a good number of months. And even after Warren realized his own mistake, temporarily left the ministry until he secured a good job and slowly re-established himself as a husband and leader of our household, I still remained cold and unforgiving (to myself more than to anyone else, I’d say).

A few days ago, I was on www.youtube.com looking for videos of the American Idol finale (I am an Adam Lambert fan, lol!) and on the recommended videos page, I saw Charo Washer’s testimony. For the first time since it became available on youtube, I listened (I am not a Washer listener) and her testimony moved me into asking, “What about me? Am I saved? Am I secure?” All of a sudden, I am not so sure anymore. When Charo described what went through her mind that moment she saw a prostitute, I thought, “Man, I am no different from her, too! I am also just like that woman she saw across the street peddling her flesh for money!”

Needless to say, Charo Washer’s testimony left an indelible mark in me and it has led me to reading 1 John everyday, again. I remember this book so well, it was one of my very first readings when I was converted in 2007 but reading it all over again, boy does it pump blood in my veins like it didn’t way back! A myriad of realizations washed over me, don’t take me the wrong way, its not like some warm fuzzy thing happened and enveloped me, no, certainly not like that. The reality just set in and like an avalanche, everything just went tumbling over. One of the many snowballs that hit me was the realization that I have depended too much on others for my spiritual nourishment and when these people failed me, I got lost, too. That and many more which I will be writing about it the coming days.

Yes, it looks like a whole new chapter in my life is yet again unfolding and while I normally would be all ecstatic and excited and gushing over this fact, I am even more surprised that I am taking it all in one day at a time this time around. I’d love to take you through this new journey, there are things that I have learned along the way but this post has gone to lengths already I’d better write a second installment instead, then a third and a fourth maybe. I’d like to end this post by sharing with you Mrs. Washer’s testimony on www.youtube.com. May it also be a blessing to you as it had been to me.